...if only for a moment.

Once again, I find myself in need of an outlet. I needed to be able to organize my thoughts. This is perhaps the best way to do so considering it is somewhere close to 1:00am.

I was struck by a very interesting thought. What made it interesting was that it created a conflict or struggle within myself. I had the opportunity to watch someone perform. The person performed well and received quite the uproar of enthusiasm from the audience. The thought that spurred this conflict was, "If I know I am better than that person up there, why do they get this kind of recognition."

Now for those of you that know me personally, you realize how self centered, arrogant, and egotistical that sounded coming from me. I had the same thought and the answer that swiftly encompassed my mind was, "It is for that very thought, that you do not receive this kind of acknowledgement." I am here to tell you, that was painful. It was a knife in my heart because I knew immediately that I should not have responded that way to this person's performance. I took a person's moment of success and twisted it in my own mind to be about me.

The other side of this was, I am a good singer. I can say at least that much of myself without feeling that I am stepping out of place. I say I am so, not because of what I think of myself, but what others have said and the parts in different types of performances I have been given. In that case, am I overstepping in hoping that I get some recognition for the skills I have honed and worked for?

One of the biggest fears in my life is that I go through my life unnoticed. That I live out day after day and when it comes to an end, that moment when I lay my head on my pillow, what I did was forgettable.

I was struck with an idea to end this with a verse, but by what I stumbled on, I know I didn't come up with the idea on my own.

Here comes the irony and probably the most important part of this...

"You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.
-Matthew 5:14-16

"He must become greater; I must become less."
-John 3:30

The conflict mentioned above wasn't one I could solve because it was two parts of me, fighting over me. The irony of the situation is that this life is NOT about me. Everything I have would not be possible if it was just about me. I am so very flawed. The evidence to that fact is right here on this page. God has shown me a good thing tonight.

Before I end this: I didn't know that this blog was going to end this way. It began with a struggle within myself and it ended up becoming something good and useful not only to me, but I think this would be useful to others as well. I am not the only one with similar thoughts, I am sure.

If you took the time to read this, thank you. This is real stuff and it shows a vulnerable side of me that I tend to hide from view. I hope that this has brought you something to think about and maybe it offered some help.

May God's grace be with you, all the days of your life.